I’m struggling. And I’ve been struggling for a while now. My fitness journey is not something I’m proud of anymore.

Even hitting 1000 miles running last year was a bit anticlimactic, because there was a dark cloud attached to it. (Yeah…I did it. 1000 miles in a year. *insert sarcastic woohoo here* I was going to blog about it, but I didn’t. Because mental health is weird and frustrating. I can’t even share the successes.)

I may catch some flack for this, because I’m going to talk about numbers and the “dreaded” scale. But for me, it’s a thing. I don’t play the muscle is more dense than fat card. I know I’ve lost muscle, because I can SEE it and I can FEEL it.

This is 2014/2015 Neon Runner Girl.

What does that Neon Runner Girl have that today’s doesn’t?

She only worked parttime. She had “more time.” But she also had little people which limited her time. Today’s NRG just has excuses.

She had less stress, depression, and anxiety. Her mother was still alive.

She had better control over her portions and cravings. She ate less processed food. She drank WAY less alcohol.

She’s really tan. Hello vitamin D!

She ran LESS. She did PiYo. She rode her road bike and loved it. She hopped in the pool and did an actual swim workout a few times per month.

She also weighted TWENTY…yes 2-0…pounds less.

I actually said that number out loud recently to a friend who responded with shock. “Are you serious? Where on your body did you put on weight? You look the same.”

I used to tell myself that too. “You look the same.” I’m lying to myself. I don’t look the same. My arms lack tone. My belly is softer. My legs aren’t as lean. At my lowest weight, which was HEALTHY, I wore size 4. XS tops were loose. I was TINY. I was muscular. I was poised for a big PR in the half marathon.

So the questions now are what happened and what can I do to get back there?

What happened?

Life. Excuses. My mother’s death. Food sensitivities forcing me to change my diet.

What can I do to get back there?

PiYo. Bike. Swim. Control portions. Control cravings. No mindless snacking. No binge eating after dinner. More water. NO ALCOHOL. Move more. Meditate more.

I can do this. I can find that girl again.

It will be harder this time. But I think I’m ready for the challenge. Writing it all down publicly is something I’ve thought about, something I’ve tried to do in the last two years. But I’ve hid behind my perceived fitness. People think I’m fit, so I’m “ok” with my body. But I know I can do more. I can feel better. Because right now, I don’t feel good. I miss that girl.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for encouraging.