Hot Mess

The injury roller coaster has begun. I tried to run again last night, like the stubborn fool that I am. I only made it three laps around, not even a full mile. It hurt. The pressure feeling and swollen sensation returned. And then I noticed on the drive home from the boys’ practice that my foot felt numb and tingly.

I called the sports ortho today and made an appointment. Next Wednesday. He’s either going to confirm my fears and do the necessary tests. Then we could get the ball rolling on treatment. Or he’s going to tell me it’s a much smaller problem than I think and easily corrected with some rest and physical therapy.

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In the meantime, I’m a hot mess. My poor family…I feel for them. I’m fine one minute and the next minute I’m terrified that my leg will never feel right again. I have nightmares that I will gain all the weight back and that I will never run a race again. It haunts me. I’m a woman with anxiety and depression issues who doesn’t know how to escape her own brain, so when running doesn’t work, I feel broken. Running is one of my therapies and I can’t do it, so my world is off balance. I am off balance.

My people are patient with me. They keep the encouragement flowing. They give me space. They love me.

Thanks for listening. It’s going to be ok. It has to be ok. For me to be ok.

Stay neon.

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